Home-Day 71-August 10,2021

I’m feeling stressed out…

Afraid, confused, impatient…

I am trying really hard to be the positive force in what we are going through right now, and trust me, 99.9% of the time I am the cheer-leader, the protector, the advocate..

The 0.1% of the time I am not is just terrible

I’m stressed about Dee’s health, I’m stressed about mine…

I’m stressed about Dee’s job, and my lack of one, well, one that pays.

I was confident photographer and visual story telling would be enough to make a living at, while exploring and sharing at the same time, and I don’t think I am good enough for it to be profitable.

I’m good….

Just not sure if I’m good enough….

This kind of self-doubt plagues me, and in the 0.1% of the time I allow myself to succumb to the pressures of life, that self doubt consumes me… chews me up and spits me out…

I know I know, everyone has a thing. Trust me, that was drilled into me by the heartless cold fish boss I used to have who equated my broken back with his bad knees and proceeded to tell me everyone has something going on, you just need to get over it.

I don’t know.

It’s been a particularly defeating and hard week. There has been some victories but I am in a state of one step forward, two steps back.

Dee is not reacting well to her anti-seizure medications. She had me up at 3am because she was sick, nauseous, headache etc. I didn’t, and haven’t, slept a wink since… sleep has been a rare commodity in the past week, very rare indeed.

Anyway, she is miserable, she can’t stop taking it till she has a replacement because stopping an anti-seizure medication could, you guessed it, cause seizures… Her doctor put her on a new one today, but then failed to call in the script to our pharmacy, so Dee was forced to take the “bad” drug again…

I’m just to the brim with stress and worry, RIGHT to the brim…

And I can’t go and get into the field and take photos, I can’t leave Dee. Not until I know she has a medication that works and is stable….

I’m just frustrated….

This blog post was the 0.1%

I’ll be back to the 99.9% tomorrow I swear….

Here’s a favorite photo of a favorite place that always makes me feel better….

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