Mental Health – Day 99 – Sept 7, 2021


You who have been here for some time know this.

I struggle mightily with my mental health. I feel like a spectator in my own life sometimes. Kind of like a character behind my eyes, influenced by the action but powerless to stop it.

It not constant, its not even frequent these days..

But when the swings hit, the hit hard.

So, tonight, for no big reason, I am in a horrible and hopeless mood. I feel on the edge of panic and I am restless in my own skin.

My car has an issue, that’s the only trigger I can think of today. I’m not going to be driving it for a while, but frankly, that’s no big deal, we have another car here and Dee can’t drive it so we really only need one car. The lose of the car, and even the associated cost of fixing it shouldn’t have me this full of anxiety.

I didn’t feel this when the cat died..

I didn’t feel this when Dee had her seizure…

But tonight I do…

Look, there’s a lot going on to be sure. School is open again, I’m going to be driving Damian in in the mornings, then Dee to work, have to pick Dee for lunch, Damian will take the bus home, but I then need to pick Dee up at the end of the shift. Between all that I need to try and do housework, cook, get groceries etc. etc. I am the only driver, and there’s a lot that needs to be doing.

All while I am trying very very hard to build a name in photography and make a living doing it.

I’ve been sheltered a little, I have EI and while I have reported earning when I have them, it was a safety net for me and the family, but that runs out the end of September and then that’s it, pull the rip cord, the only thing I have then is the photography and the money I make from that.

I said in a previous post that I may have to return to work in a retail position of something, but that’s a whole other nightmare of trying to coordinate shifts and transportation.

I am under IMMENSE pressure, from me of course, to make this work… IMMENSE pressure.

Photography is something I am good at, and getting better. I am making money, but not enough. NFT’s could be the answer, but they might not. You need to be established, and build relationships and log the time, lots and lots of time building your brand, you have to grind at it to make it something folks want to be a part of. When folk are purchasing NFT’s they are buying YOU, they are buying the impression you give them.

AND the work needs to be exceptional, different and flawless…

I’m just shaking with apprehension about the coming months…. I am optimistic that it will not only be fine, but be exceptional…

But I am also full of doubt and fear that it won’t work at all…

Its like I’ve said so many times in the past. I don’t want to be rich, I just don’t want to worry, or to be afraid, anymore…

Here’s a collage I produced earlier today from some wave work I did this past winter. It’s representative of my moods right now to be sure…

Thanks guys for all the support.

And special thanks to all the folks who purchased from my printshop these last few days, its been exceptional and I am very appreciative of your patronage.

All the best.

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